Positive

If you ever watch the movie Juno you'll probably laugh, like I did, at the scene where Juno, the 16-year old title character, tells her parents that she's pregnant. After she leaves the room, it's even funnier as they each muse that they were hoping for drugs or expulsion. But the part that I will always and forever remember is somewhere in the middle of the scene where she declares, "if it's any consolation, I have heartburn down to my knees and I haven't taken a crap since Wednesday. Morning."

It was at hearing that, the Saturday night before last, that I realized I was pregnant. Thank you, Juno! I'd been feeling hormonal, a little bloated and a little crampy, but not in the regular way and I couldn't figure it out and I had a feeling, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. My neck had been really sore, which is where I always feel the flu coming on, and maybe my mind had given up trying to fool my body because with the crampy feeling, I was already feeling a little sad that here comes my Aunt Rose, Aunt Flo, the period. Etc. etc.

I'd had hopes the last couple of months, when I was days or even a week late and -- this is the power of the mind -- as soon as no second line appeared on the pregnancy tests, I would give up something in my head and what do you know, the natural cycle would be released now that I wasn't deluding myself with false hopes. Argh!

But, last Monday - a week ago, I woke up, inspired by Juno, and decided that whatever the answer, I'd use that last pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet and just get on with the week - whatever the answer. I remember setting it down on the back of the toilet... to allow the pee to work it's way across the fibers into the little window of life (or death) and like a scary movie, I couldn't decide whether or not to look or shut my eyes and wait for it to be all over. When the first line started to show, "I was like, ok, there it is, that's it, just the one line" and then when the second line, darker, bolder, more pronounced showed through, I realized that the second line was the test indicator that I had been seeing for the last few months that had always been the dark one, it was, "wow, so that's THE line. No way! The line, I can't believe that's the line. Yay!!!!"

So we spent the week, Gil and I, contemplating that line. I did two things with the stick, I took a picture and I hung it up on the bulletin board in the dining room. Classy, sanitary, weird, I know, but I would walk by, with circular glances and watch it hanging there out of the corner of my eye, contemplating it all. We talked about letting people know. I contemplated the craziness that it was so early, according to my calculations probably about 10-12 days since conception. I sent a text message to Rosie and Judy, I couldn't help myself. And when my mom stopped by for lunch, I showed her the picture on my phone.

But there's that lingering, "no way," right? So on Friday, when I knew that I wouldn't be able to take a whole weekend of seeing people, and not really knowing, with no second confirmation, on the way to work I stopped at Kaiser and walked the three flights up to the OB/GYN check-in and asked for a pregnancy test. (By the way, the three flights of stairs left me a little breathless with the realization that I'm soooo out of proper cardio shape!)

I had taken my morning pee at home because I just couldn't hold it, but I managed to squeeze a small amount out. I took my paperwork, which was basically a blank piece of paper, my medical card information stamped at the top, and "pregnancy test" hand-written across the bottom part of the page, over to the slot outside the door and then I waited with the lunch bag that gave my pee cup a little bit of privacy on the chair next to me.

The nurse called me in, took the bag, and then took my blood pressure, 117 over 79 -- or something like that. Either way she said good. I was glad that my breathing had gotten back to normal from the 3 flights of stairs. And then I was sent back out to the waiting room to wait. I like it when things are named what they are.

So when the nurse called my name again, and halfway into the hallway of the offices, handed me the slip of paper that had a great big red POSITIVE stamped on it, I started crying, hugged the surprised nurse, and made my way out the building, text messaging Gil that it was confirmed - by a nurse! So there! The line was right!