We Are All Lions - Posted In Memory of the Honorable Heather Heyer

We're all lions.

by Bobbi Jo Chavarria

December 9, 2014

when I first saw the video

it was like

that's not how I remember it at all

but it is how it must have been

and there's a moment

when you can see my boots

firmly and deliberately step in front of the car

and watching that for the first time,

I thought a lot of things,

I thought -- "That was bold, stupid, weird."

"Why did I do that?"

And if someone who doesn't like me

Or doesn't like what I do

Or who I am

Or how I look or what I say,

If they saw that video they would think,

"What an asshole for stepping in front of that car

when he clearly wanted to get by"

They would say

(and they have)

"You deserved to get hit"

But the WHOLE THING wasn't how

I remembered it

because I was there, I had a sign

I yelled the chants

and when I look at all the pictures

(oh, the great pictures)

I'm in one

and it's from behind

with the kids in front of me

as if I was on the outside

And I was - almost.

I couldn't figure it out at the time,

but I just went with it

because it made sense to let the kids speak

it made sense to circle around

and watch

just make sure...

I didn't know what...

but make sure something.

And, I keep calling them kids

because when I walked into their space

groovy and raw and real

and I saw the ones at the front

the leaders you would say,

(but be clear, they wouldn't say,)

I was struck that they were so young.

They could have been my children.

And I was so proud of them

humbled by their reverence

and solemn respect

as they wrote names on the sidewalk

and lit candles at Martin's feet

awestruck by their understanding

from whose footsteps they move forward

and I was delighted to follow them

as they marched towards

Ghandi's place on Main Street

And then they stopped in the crosswalk

And they wouldn't leave

"Protect and serve, that's a lie,

You don't care when black kids die."

"They think it's a joke, they think it's a game.

It isn't a joke, it isn't a game."

"What do we want? Justice!

When do we want it? Yesterday!"

There was a moment where I joined in

with my hands up

chanting, "Hands up, don't shoot.

Hands up, don't shoot"

And I could only join along

for a minute

because I was overwhelmed

with the thought

that there is a now

that exists

that would mean my precious

sons might be saying those words

with their arms raised

And, I had to drop my arms

and turn to the kids

and listen for a different future

So I did my part how I could

and when I remember what I did

there, that night,

and who I talked with

and how I now know what it's like to feel the hood of a car under my body,

and not in an 80s rock video kind of way,

because it was moving,

and because I am not one of those women

I know now what I was doing

When food is scarce

and there's young lion cubs that need to eat

and there's a precious meal providing sustenance

the female lions will form a circle

around those cubs

and watch for something

they will protect the food

and the cubs

from the male lions

or other predators

who are just as hungry

they circle and make sure the cubs have eaten first

when justice is scarce

and young goddesses are angry

and they need to speak

because they can't breathe

and there's a precious opportunity with lights

and an audience of holiday revelers

and even peace officers, stopping to listen,

well that's giving them sustaining hope

So as that happened,

I watched for something

watching those on the outside

some who were just as angry

to make sure the peaceful spoke first

I wasn't looking for a fight

but I know now

that was why

I started talking to the man

and his camera phone

from behind which he'd been shouting

angry, rhetorical questions

to everyone and no one and boldly filming

like he had a camera and he was going to use it

So I stepped in front of him

and I answered his question

and his next one

and his next one

until there was space

to ask one of my own

and he nodded

and eventually he and his angry wife behind him

weren't so angry and they walked away

and he recorded it all so it would be good to hear what the fuck I said, because I don't remember

I wasn't looking for a fight

but I know now

that was why

When I saw a 6 foot plus behemoth

put his hands on someone

I shouted, "Hey, no hands" or "Hands off"

or something similar to the "Hands to yourself"

that I have to tell my five-year old

who can't contain the energy he has sometimes

and who could accidently or on purpose

hurt his little brother, who is only two

And when, the giant pushed someone else

looked my way and said,

"what are you going to do?"

because he had hands and he was going to use them

I stepped in front of him

and said, "no hands"

and he swung at my arm,

knocked the sign out of my hands

and said, "what are you going to do?"

I asked, "Really, you're going to push

daughters, and mothers, and sisters?"

and I turned to the crowd watching,

and said, "Really, you're just going to watch as he does this?"

And, I hope someone has this on video

because I don't know or remember how it ended

except it felt like suddenly

he was gone and someone handed me my sign

picked up from the floor

and I wasn't looking to get hit by a car

but when I heard the engine rev

and saw it lurch forward and someone screamed

and he revved the engine again

tires squealing

because he had a BMW and he was going to use it
I stepped in front of his car
trying to get his attention
trying to see if it had been an accident

And I saw the frantic woman at his side

screaming, Stop! Don't do this.

because he was heading into the kids

angry that these kids weren't listening

to his horn

to his engine

to him

so angry at them

for taking all the words

and he revved his car again

and sped off

running over my toes in the process

And, that's the video I got to see

where I did something stupid and useless

like when you have to stop short in the car

and you put your hand over to hold someone back

like your arm is going to somehow help

I stepped in front of the car

because I would have done the same

if my two boys were in that crosswalk

the kids were in the crosswalk

But what happened after

was beautiful

after no one was seriously hurt

and the only destructive anger left was in the skid marks that BMW left behind

what happened was that the kids won

they won

and were heard

the street was shut down

they started to chant

lying on the ground

"I can't breathe. I can't breathe."

And a complete circle formed around them

and two girls asked, can we join?

and I said, of course

and probably other kids joined in too.

And I recorded that video

of the circle and of the kids

So, now when I watch that first video

I remember that love is the opposite of fear

and my deliberate step in front

of those headlights

looks fearless

but really it just means

that love was going to be my guide

and when I remember

watching those kids

that night

those children

"whose souls dwell in the house of tomorrow"

and who are building it for themselves

and for my sons and all our children

and I remember

Watching the peace officers

keep the peace

that night

In the moment, I remember

and I can breathe.

UPDATE:

In August of 2016, nearly two years after the incident, the BMW driver, Darren Enscoe (in his fifties) was convicted by a jury of three misdemeanor counts of assault with a deadly weapon.

Expressing zero remorse during an interview with the probation officer where he stated that he would do it again because if he didn't he would consider himself a coward, it was recommended that he receive 364 days by the prosecutor's office, who, at the outset, firmly believed he would never see a day in jail.

At the sentencing hearing on October 14th, he was sentenced to 4 months of custody and 4 months of work release. Again, it was believed that it would be unlikely he would serve more than a few weeks. However, less than a week after his release of four months served, he was remanded to custody for failure to report for work release and failure to meet the conditions of probation and because he did not visit the Museum of Tolerance as part of his sentence.

Enscoe is now serving the first of his 3-year conviction and his next court appearance is October 2017.

The injury I sustained that night, while seemingly minor, has served as an ongoing reminder on a daily basis. As continued events in the media, and the long protracted journey to justice continued, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) and generalized anxiety, and physically suffer from nerve damage in my right foot. Walking, standing, and extended periods of driving are not debilitating but quite irritating and serve as painful reminders that there are angry folks who, if given a chance, can and will hurt me for standing up for others and for speaking out for what I believe.

In July of 2017, one of the other victims of the attack, Nikohl Vandel (aka Elaine Clermont) died due to heart complications. It is unknown whether that may have stemmed from her injuries that night.