My Edge
Whatever your edge, you are on it.
This is for d-d-d-damn sure. I hate being a bitchy, complaining, unsatisfied freak. I love hanging out and having fun, and being nice, and thinking people are great and wonderful, and having people think I'm great and wonderful. You know, in general, I want to be part of a mutual admiration society.
That was the thought process whose edge I was on yesterday. Outside of my own home, most people think I'm pretty great. And that has always been the case -- though, with my Grandma -- I know she thought I was pretty ok, but she was of the school that if you tell someone they're great, it'll go to their head. But she bragged on me to others and she loved on me in her way.
But, other than that, for most of my life, I felt constrained and rejected at home and I walked on eggshells. And, the environment really created an energy that made me crazy. I KNOW I strive for balance and harmony... and so, to keep the peace, I will acclimate to nearly anything. It is a survival mechanism. And it fucking sucks because it's sooooooo not me. Beauty. Peace. Love. Harmony. What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
Manipulation. Manipulation. It says something like that in my astrological birth chart reading. I may be involved in emotional manipulation - and at first, I thought it was from me - cuz, I'm evil and selfish to the people who know me well -- and I do and say things that I sooooo don't like - but then, I realized the manipulation is not from me. It really isn't. It's from those who would have me believe the worst about me. And, the thought that feels very true is that I have been absorbing the craziness. That's it. All along, I have been acclimating and accomodating the craziness - no wonder I'm not further along in my inevitable life of success, contribution, leadership, abundance. I think that's what Dana was talking about in New Orleans... that's the essence of unhealthy co-dependency. I think I really do need to hit those AA meetings...
This is definitely not the Barry Manilow picture of life I'm dreaming of. The life I'm wanting and the life I've been deserving for quite a while. I'm on the edge. That's for damn sure. My home should be my haven - and if I can't have it like that - I need to live alone. I was pretty happy living alone, actually. "I'd rather be anywhere on my own...". And then someone only gets to come in and stay if they love me, and if they like me, and if they think I'm great. If they sign up for that mutual-admiration-society. Maybe Katherine Hepburn was right that men and women should live next door to each other and then visit occasionally.
Emotional well-being will manifest itself in every aspect of life.
(MTM: get that Pat Pearson CD that Linda Toupin mentioned)
...and Wednesday was proof of that. Because deciding on Tuesday - finally deciding to give to, of myself - was refreshing and invigorating. It felt great. I felt great. And Tuesday meeting was awesome - committing to a plan, to helping, to making a difference. And then Wednesday, I just took care of business. With peace. With excitement. When your emotions, when my emotions are not all haywire, I'm cool. And then Thursday, the good news starts rolling in. And isn't it great, isn't it grand, isn't it....
And if I want the proof of the contrary - I just have to think of the Christmas selling debacle. How the hell am I supposed to bring up the energy? the life? the smile? the sincere concern and contribution/servant leader attitude when I feel like crap and the one who "loves me the most" thinks I suck, and has proof
--What I mean by proof is... half-ass emotional support, half-ass physical support, half-ass personal responsibility... that pretty much leaves me in a state of lack. Of hunger. Of need. Of, what we have now determined, the forever walking wound. And the proof gets created by the situation - even though I like to think it's my choice and I should/could do better - I do suck. I become selfish. I become needy. I yell. I cry. I pout. Ugh. So tired of that. I'm tired of reacting with the emotional heartache I've been in. Of the emotional maturity of a child. Crying, pouting, whining anytime a need isn't met without the power of discernment, without the ability to articulate, in a clear, concise, effective way. EWWW--- that's big. That's a big idea. Emotional health can truly only be developed in a safe environment. Wasn't Linda Toupin talking about that for developing professional skills - isn't that the Pink Bubble of Mary Kay? It's the safe environment to grow, stretch, express yourself. Don't children whine and cry and do anything for attention - even negative attention? Isn't that a truth? That's what I've been reduced to... a whining 5 year old who needs a nap, a hug, and a soft voice - and will deny it to the very end.
Right now, and for most of my life, it's been safer outside the home than in. Ohmygawd, that sucks. No wonder I'm a mess nine days out of ten. No wonder the results of what I know is possible and what I'm actually living right now is at such odds most of the time. No wonder extreme inconsistency has been my calling card. And it's not supposed to be. My life is balance. My life is consistent. And by "supposed to" I mean, the life I choose - if I have a choice (and I DO) - is that.
I am on my edge.
I am on the edge of stepping into a whole new way of being - actually - a way of being my true self. My authentic self. I had this conversation with Gil before, how I was a little confused about how it didn't feel right that I was admired and respected so much more among those other people in the world than by him (most of the time) - it couldn't simply be that I was a big-old fake with them and they didn't know the real me. The real me is pretty fun. Pretty great. Pretty giving. I know we joke about it, I joke about it all the time, how it's all about Me. And it is... the thing is I just know the definition of ME is so much bigger than just ME - it's WE... all of us... I am my brother's keeper is actually an outgrowth of the idea I'm thinking of. I'm my brother's keeper because my brother is me. We are one. It is all about me, in that way, in the highest way. Cuz if I'm happy, the world is happy. And if I'm happy - I can help make the unhappy places happier. I have that kind of power. We all have that kind of power when we're whole.
But it's something like that. It's something like that completely - because it is about being willing and able (emotionally healthy creates the willingness and the ability) - to give. Wholly. Completely. Give. The opposite of Take. And, we're right to think that - I'm right to think that about me. Because that is Who I Am. I am a giver.
I just haven't been able to give freely, consistently, truly, in such a long time. I've been made to feel like my giving is simply some Dr Evil machination to get something I want. And I've been manipulated into being that too. No wonder the tortured rants of uncertainty and doubt and sometimes crazy self-loathing are so frequent. Because I haven't taken the time, expended the energy to renew and heal and keep myself safe - I literally - have created and allowed a situation where I truly have no choice but to be the worst parts of me most of the time. And that is NOT my destiny. That is not the life I CHOOSE....
I doubt MY WILL and MY INTENTION and all that, most of the time.
WILL POWER is fortified with love, with belief, with faith, with compassion, with tenderness, with acceptance. I'm not wrong to look for that. To connect with others who can be that, so I can be that which I am. I'm on the edge of a new thing. Of working very hard to fortify myself. So that I can give. So that from a state of emotional well being... I am me.
I am on the edge.
And the view is beautiful.
This is for d-d-d-damn sure. I hate being a bitchy, complaining, unsatisfied freak. I love hanging out and having fun, and being nice, and thinking people are great and wonderful, and having people think I'm great and wonderful. You know, in general, I want to be part of a mutual admiration society.
That was the thought process whose edge I was on yesterday. Outside of my own home, most people think I'm pretty great. And that has always been the case -- though, with my Grandma -- I know she thought I was pretty ok, but she was of the school that if you tell someone they're great, it'll go to their head. But she bragged on me to others and she loved on me in her way.
But, other than that, for most of my life, I felt constrained and rejected at home and I walked on eggshells. And, the environment really created an energy that made me crazy. I KNOW I strive for balance and harmony... and so, to keep the peace, I will acclimate to nearly anything. It is a survival mechanism. And it fucking sucks because it's sooooooo not me. Beauty. Peace. Love. Harmony. What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
Manipulation. Manipulation. It says something like that in my astrological birth chart reading. I may be involved in emotional manipulation - and at first, I thought it was from me - cuz, I'm evil and selfish to the people who know me well -- and I do and say things that I sooooo don't like - but then, I realized the manipulation is not from me. It really isn't. It's from those who would have me believe the worst about me. And, the thought that feels very true is that I have been absorbing the craziness. That's it. All along, I have been acclimating and accomodating the craziness - no wonder I'm not further along in my inevitable life of success, contribution, leadership, abundance. I think that's what Dana was talking about in New Orleans... that's the essence of unhealthy co-dependency. I think I really do need to hit those AA meetings...
This is definitely not the Barry Manilow picture of life I'm dreaming of. The life I'm wanting and the life I've been deserving for quite a while. I'm on the edge. That's for damn sure. My home should be my haven - and if I can't have it like that - I need to live alone. I was pretty happy living alone, actually. "I'd rather be anywhere on my own...". And then someone only gets to come in and stay if they love me, and if they like me, and if they think I'm great. If they sign up for that mutual-admiration-society. Maybe Katherine Hepburn was right that men and women should live next door to each other and then visit occasionally.
Emotional well-being will manifest itself in every aspect of life.
(MTM: get that Pat Pearson CD that Linda Toupin mentioned)
...and Wednesday was proof of that. Because deciding on Tuesday - finally deciding to give to, of myself - was refreshing and invigorating. It felt great. I felt great. And Tuesday meeting was awesome - committing to a plan, to helping, to making a difference. And then Wednesday, I just took care of business. With peace. With excitement. When your emotions, when my emotions are not all haywire, I'm cool. And then Thursday, the good news starts rolling in. And isn't it great, isn't it grand, isn't it....
And if I want the proof of the contrary - I just have to think of the Christmas selling debacle. How the hell am I supposed to bring up the energy? the life? the smile? the sincere concern and contribution/servant leader attitude when I feel like crap and the one who "loves me the most" thinks I suck, and has proof
--What I mean by proof is... half-ass emotional support, half-ass physical support, half-ass personal responsibility... that pretty much leaves me in a state of lack. Of hunger. Of need. Of, what we have now determined, the forever walking wound. And the proof gets created by the situation - even though I like to think it's my choice and I should/could do better - I do suck. I become selfish. I become needy. I yell. I cry. I pout. Ugh. So tired of that. I'm tired of reacting with the emotional heartache I've been in. Of the emotional maturity of a child. Crying, pouting, whining anytime a need isn't met without the power of discernment, without the ability to articulate, in a clear, concise, effective way. EWWW--- that's big. That's a big idea. Emotional health can truly only be developed in a safe environment. Wasn't Linda Toupin talking about that for developing professional skills - isn't that the Pink Bubble of Mary Kay? It's the safe environment to grow, stretch, express yourself. Don't children whine and cry and do anything for attention - even negative attention? Isn't that a truth? That's what I've been reduced to... a whining 5 year old who needs a nap, a hug, and a soft voice - and will deny it to the very end.
Right now, and for most of my life, it's been safer outside the home than in. Ohmygawd, that sucks. No wonder I'm a mess nine days out of ten. No wonder the results of what I know is possible and what I'm actually living right now is at such odds most of the time. No wonder extreme inconsistency has been my calling card. And it's not supposed to be. My life is balance. My life is consistent. And by "supposed to" I mean, the life I choose - if I have a choice (and I DO) - is that.
I am on my edge.
I am on the edge of stepping into a whole new way of being - actually - a way of being my true self. My authentic self. I had this conversation with Gil before, how I was a little confused about how it didn't feel right that I was admired and respected so much more among those other people in the world than by him (most of the time) - it couldn't simply be that I was a big-old fake with them and they didn't know the real me. The real me is pretty fun. Pretty great. Pretty giving. I know we joke about it, I joke about it all the time, how it's all about Me. And it is... the thing is I just know the definition of ME is so much bigger than just ME - it's WE... all of us... I am my brother's keeper is actually an outgrowth of the idea I'm thinking of. I'm my brother's keeper because my brother is me. We are one. It is all about me, in that way, in the highest way. Cuz if I'm happy, the world is happy. And if I'm happy - I can help make the unhappy places happier. I have that kind of power. We all have that kind of power when we're whole.
But it's something like that. It's something like that completely - because it is about being willing and able (emotionally healthy creates the willingness and the ability) - to give. Wholly. Completely. Give. The opposite of Take. And, we're right to think that - I'm right to think that about me. Because that is Who I Am. I am a giver.
I just haven't been able to give freely, consistently, truly, in such a long time. I've been made to feel like my giving is simply some Dr Evil machination to get something I want. And I've been manipulated into being that too. No wonder the tortured rants of uncertainty and doubt and sometimes crazy self-loathing are so frequent. Because I haven't taken the time, expended the energy to renew and heal and keep myself safe - I literally - have created and allowed a situation where I truly have no choice but to be the worst parts of me most of the time. And that is NOT my destiny. That is not the life I CHOOSE....
I doubt MY WILL and MY INTENTION and all that, most of the time.
WILL POWER is fortified with love, with belief, with faith, with compassion, with tenderness, with acceptance. I'm not wrong to look for that. To connect with others who can be that, so I can be that which I am. I'm on the edge of a new thing. Of working very hard to fortify myself. So that I can give. So that from a state of emotional well being... I am me.
I am on the edge.
And the view is beautiful.
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